so far today
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
it's early in the morning and i've already accomplished the one thing i set out to do today, which is exercise. chester and i took a nice, long jog along sunset cliffs. it wasn't as pretty as it could have been, as the sky is pretty overcast, but that's typical for june -- they call it "june gloom" for a reason.

while chester may love to run because he's a dog and desperately needs any sort of exercise like that he can get, i hate it. i love to hike and play informal team sports (volleyball!) and ride my bike and get walking in while i explore around town, but i hate exercise for the sole sake of exercise. i do it to stay fit, but i really hate it. i never hit a state of flow or get in the zone like other people talk about. i have to concentrate on what i'm doing and force myself every second of the way not to quit. i wish i'd been born with a love for exercise like so many of my friends. they claim that when they're jogging or spending time at the gym (which i won't do when i live in such a beautiful place and can get my exercise outdors) they get in a zone where their minds seem to reach a state of transcendence that makes the physical work easy and seamless. i've never hit that stride. not once. the only time i enjoy exercise is when it's not for the sole purpose of exercise. so, i'm glad i got my jog in this morning and now, i can move on into the rest of the day without the dread of knowing i have to get in that jog.

i won't be doing any exercise tomorrow. tomorrow's a day for relaxing. it's father's day and so i've promised my dad i'll take him out on the bay. there's a place where we can rent a little motor boat for the afternoon, and then putter around on the bay together. dad will love that and honestly, so will i....as long as the motor doesn't die while we're in the middle of the bay, which is what happened the last time i rented a motor boat a number of years ago with some friends on easter sunday. there were eight of us, and the boat's motor sputtered and died while we were in the middle of the bay. that was back in the days before cell phones, so we were stuck. the funny thing is, i don't remember how we got back. but i do remember going out to dinner with everyone afterward, having too many drinks, and laughing till our sides ached. it's been a long time since i've had a group of friends like that. i lost touch with that whole gang when i got involved with dave. i wonder if any of them are around. i should look them up sometime. wow, i started talking about father's day and ended up reminiscing about old friends. that was unexpected.

now that i have my one big chore for today done and over with, i'm planning to relax the rest of the day. i'll definitely do some reading. craig and i are going to dinner tonight at chef's wok in hillcrest. it's the best chinese food i've ever had, and the owner is the most wonderful gentleman. even after years of being away, the first time i went back after moving back here, he recognized me, and brought me a complimentary glass of plum wine. i thought it was so sweet that not only did he remember me after all these years, but he remembered that i always loved their plum wine. i am also no longer a full-blown vegetarian because when i go to chef's wok, i simply can't not have their honeyed walnut and shrimp dish. it's delicious. so i eat meat (shrimp) only when i go to chef's wok, and you know what? i have no guilt. i'm okay with it. i'm really looking forward to going out to dinner tonight. it's a good thing i jogged this morning, since i plan to really enjoy myself at dinner tonight.

wordle
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
i <3 this:

Wordle: synthetiklife

i smell so good
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
i've been on a perfume-buying binge lately. who am i kidding... i've been on a perfume-buying binge for most of my adult life! but it seems to have intensified lately. maybe it's because despite all of the transition in my life, i feel like i'm on the right path and i'm actually happy. when i'm happy, i like to smell good. i do it for myself.

i've been picking up a few decants and bottles lately from blooddrop. i am particularly excited for their new summer line of limited editions celebrating the sea, la mer. i wish i could afford to buy a bottle of each blend. they all sound lovely. i will have to figure out which two or three sound the best and then try those out and cross my fingers they smell good on me.

black phoenix alchemy lab remains my numero uno place of perfume indulgences. i can't stop buying fragrance from bpal. i started wearing bpal last summer, maybe a little less than a year ago, and i've been obsessed by them ever since. bpal released a line of blends inspired by and based on neil gaiman's book neverwhere, which i love. i also love some of the other neil gaiman co-branded collections bpal has, especially stardust. as for neverwhere, there's a scent named after the character "door" which smells like the most beautiful, sweet, delicious honey. and the scent named after the marquis de carabas, well, i'm going to have to buy a bottle of it for craig because it's so incredibly sexy and delicious and if craig were wearing it, i'd want to eat him up.

there are rumors that bpal is putting out a series later this fall based on the last unicorn. this is a good reminder that i need to re-read that beloved childhood novel, and also, save my money because i just know i'm going to want to buy one bottle of everything from the last unicorn line of perfume oil blends!

today, i am wearing a scent from their general catalogue line of wanderlust blends. it is called "glasgow." here is the scent description: "the rich scent of wild blackberry breezing over gentle rosy heather." it really is as lovely as it sounds.

how much has changed
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
i just can't get over how much has changed. wasn't it only a few months ago i said i wasn't remotely interested in dating? the thing with craig is that it doesn't feel like dating. it just feels like living.

his days off fall over this coming weekend, so we're trying to decide what to do. i want to get out of town, but he's been working such long, hard hours that he says he doesn't want to expend any energy into going anywhere. i understand that. i do. maybe we could take a day trip down to puerto nuevo for a change of pace, but then sleep in our own bed that night. correction: my bed. it hasn't been long enough to consider it "ours." dogs aren't allowed in his apartment building, so we spend all our time together at my home, which both craig and chester seem to enjoy. so maybe chester's just a dog, but i think he was having some father-figure issues all these years, because since craig's been around, chester's become even more confident and more friendly and more obedient. i didn't think it was possible, because he was always such a good dog. but having a guy around seems to be improving chester's self-confidence. i have a strange feeling i'm anthropomorphizing my dog a little too much here, but i can't help it.

in addition to the changes i've gone through over the past few months with moving back home and "starting over," i'm thinking of some career changes. i've been working as a consultant for so long and i enjoy working for myself, but i'm also having some extreme boredom. i'm thinking of cutting back on the projects a bit and maybe doing some teaching. i've never taught, though, and of course i'm afraid that i'd be awful at it. but i won't know unless i try...but who would hire me without experience? i have done presentations and spoken at conferences, so i suppose that would count as experience. i don't have an updated c.v., either. so there's that work to be done. i should probably make a to do list and start plugging away at the items on it in order to make sure i reach these new professional goals. as driven as i've always been professionally, part of me wants to pull all of my money out of my retirement account, quit all of my projects, and just be a bum for a few years until i need money again. i could do it and believe me, it's a very tempting notion. i could travel the country and do it for fun, not for work. i'd probably see an entirely different side of the usa than i've experienced before.

or i could just spend all day every day doing what i love most around here -- early morning walks at the beach with my dog, spending time swimming in the pool, and reading good books. maybe i'll learn to windsurf or sail. i think this unexpected relationship with craig has me realizing that life doesn't have to be boring and planned out ahead of time. i can do what i want when i want, if i really want to. the world is my oyster. the more i think about it, the more i'm drawn toward spending some time just being me and just living life. i spent so many years living for other people -- first for dave, then for his parents, then for jilly -- that maybe now is time to throw all caution to the wind and do whatever the hell i want to do as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, including either the present or future me.

living
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
craig's scheduled days off happened to fall over memorial day weekend, so we packed chester and our camping gear in the back of craig's truck and headed out to the salton sea for the long weekend. i have never been there. i've known all about it and seen pictures of it and movies and have flown over it multiple times, but never went there myself. we pitched our tent in an area of the desert that was well out of the flow of holiday weekend traffic, which also happened to be further than walking distance to the water, but every day we drove down to the water and horsed around down there. we did some short hikes around the desert near our campsite, as well. at night, we stayed up late reading a book together by lantern and marveling at the pitch black skies with millions of stars strung up like lanterns across the universe. we just never see stars like that in the city. we took turns reading to each other. i love that we are so comfortable together. we're back in town now and we've each gone our own ways again for a few days while he's working his long hours, although i have a feeling i'll end up texting him and asking him to come spend the night, even if all we do is sleep. i really like being with him. i think he really likes being with me.

one week later
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
it's only been a week. how much can change in a week.

so a week ago i wrote about running into an old acquaintance and how we were going to hang out and catch up, but that it was definitely not a date.

well, i don't know what happened or how or when because it all happened so fast, but it started out as a non-date, and finished up three days later, when his "four days on" started again and he had to go back to work.

oddly enough, there's still no spark, no passionate flames between us, but there's this level of comfortability that i've never had with anyone before. whether we were just listening to music and talking or taking a walk through balboa park, or twining our bodies together between the sheets...there's just this amazing feeling of being "at home" that i have with him. we take each other as we are. i don't know if anything is going to come from this. maybe it's just what both of us need right now. we're both going through transition phases in our lives and maybe we just need to connect for a while with a familiar, friendly face who understands. or maybe there's something deeper there. i have no idea. the nice thing is, we don't need to know. we're both really comfy with the way things are and we'll just take it one day at a time. his "four days on" ends on tuesday and i have enough flexibility that if i pound out a few reports in the next couple of days, i can spend his three days off with him.

the sex is good. it's the first time i've had sex with anyone since dave died. it's been years. the sex with craig is totally different than it was with dave. it's not better and it's definitely not worse, it's just so different. maybe it's him, maybe it's me, maybe it's the combination of both of us. it's good. it's really good. and again, i know i said this before, but if feels like going home when i am wrapped in his arms.

it also makes me so happy that craig and chester adore each other. granted, chester likes pretty much everyone, but that dog is such a special part of my life, that craig definitely earned bonus points when i realized his instantaneous friendship with chester was genuine.

hospital
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
my uncle was taken to the hospital yesterday for pain in his chest. dad called me and i dropped everything and headed over to meet them. at the admission desk was a male nurse who looked remarkably familiar, but i couldn't place him. he looked at me and there was a moment of awkwardness, as I could tell he recognized me too, but couldn't place me. i told him i was looking for my uncle and gave his name -- the last name happens to be the same as mine. the guy at the front desk smiled as it dawned on him who i was, but i still had no idea who he was. the guy was named craig and i knew him from my old coffee house days in the mid-'90s. i used to bum around all the coffe houses from lestat's to claire de lune to java joe's and a few in university heights whose names i don't recall anymore, and it was always the same group of local indie music/caffeine junkies who hung out at the various coffee houses. i don't recall ever meeting craig, he was just always there, like part of the scenery, and i don't know when we learned each other's names or first spoke, it's as if he was just always a friend. not a good friend, but someone i saw regularly when i was out and about and we talked and enjoyed each other's company. when i finished school and started my career, i fell out of that whole coffee house/music scene. not purposely, but other things started to take more of my attention, and i let that old crowd sort of slip away and never said goodbye. we swapped phone numbers and when i left the hospital (my uncle is ok -- they think it was muscle spasms in his back radiating to the front of his body causing chest pain), i texted craig, and he texted back and we're going to get together one night this week and, of course, have coffee and catch up. i have no idea if we'll have anything to say to each other. but we can at least catch up. last time i saw him, i don't think he was a nurse, so I can ask him about that. and no, it's not a date. there's no attraction there on either part. he looks kind of like taylor hicks, what can i say? it's just kind of fun re-starting my life after years of living life for someone else, and now not only being back on my own, but re-discovering parts of my former life that are still here and ready for me to pick back up if i'm ready. i'm looking forward to spending time with craig. he was never a close friend, but he was a friend, and i've been kind of lonely and could use some time with a familiar face, even if it's from a former life a long time ago.

today
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
i woke up early today and took chester for a walk down to dog beach. there aren't usually a lot of people or dogs down there early in the morning, which makes it even more fun for both of us. there was just a small handful of people and dogs running around there. chester hit it off with a goofy-looking shepherd mix and the two of them romped around together, sniffed around the jetties together, and then ran into the waves and splashed around together. i love watching dogs make friends. they don't go through the same awkward social small talk stages we humans do. they sniff each other butts and right they decide if they like each other or not and if they do, then they act as if they've been friends all their lives. the shepherd mix belonged to a young guy, maybe in his late-teens or early-twenties. he was really cute and very awkward as we stood together and watched our dogs play. i could tell he was uncomfortable standing with a strange lady on the beach and knowing our dogs were hitting it off, but we didn't know what to say to each other. if we'd met on surfboards in the waves, he'd have been in his element and known exactly what to say to me. the thing i found interesting is i didn't mind. i didn't have a need to talk to the kid. i was fine just watching our dogs enjoy their time together. i didn't feel the need to make friends. i was okay just being two humans existing in the same space for a chunk of time. it would have been really nice if he wouldn't have felt so awkward about it. maybe it's just personality differences, but i'm thinking that with age, perhaps i've learned to not only be a little more comfortable in my own skin, but also more comfortable with how i fit in with my environment. this morning, it wasn't about me; it was about chester and his new dog-friends. it was their time, not the surfer-boy's or mine.

it's been 2 months
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
hey gang. it seems it has been 2 months since i last logged into lj. i feel so bad that i haven't kept up with my lj friendships. life has been pretty insane. my plans to move back home in june... well, for long and complicated reasons i don't feel like typing out, those plans got bumped out, and the long and the short of it is: i've moved! i'm home! it's kind of strange, and it's really wonderful. it's liberating. i lived the last several years in honor of a dead man, and i feel like this move has helped me get past dave's death and i'm able to live for myself now. i will write more soon about what things are like now.

i really hope you're all doing well. i have to catch up on lj now, but i can't go back through 2 months worth of posts, so i feel like i'm starting over. thank you all for hanging in there with me even though i wasn't posting or reading. {{{big internet hugs}}}

february already?
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
hey guys! happy valentine's day! i hope that wherever you are, you are celebrating love. we're all loved by someone and we all love other people, and that's something really beautiful to celebrate. i love that once a year, we make a point of celebrating love. we celebrate so many other things throughout the year that are religious and political, and it's nice to celebrate something even more real, more visceral, more natural -- love.

i love all of you.

i can't believe it's february already. mid-february, no less. weren't we just celebrating the new year? i haven't been on lj in several weeks. life has been very, very full. i have been doing a lot of traveling for work. i have told jilly i'm moving back to san diego in june, and she took it really well. she was really excited for me. more importantly, while i've been stressing about telling her and leaving her in the lurch without a roommate, she's been thinking how nice it would be to eventually live alone. so it worked out really well. she's already talking about roadtripping out to sd to visit me this fall.

dave's parents didn't take the news so well, for a bunch of complicated reasons that i don't want to take the time to flesh out, but in the end, what they want doesn't matter at all. they left here long before i did and while i still love them, i owe them nothing.

i have been on a perfume-buying binge lately. and soaps. oh, lovely, yummy-scented soaps! you all should smell my bedroom and my bathroom. it smells so girly!

have any of you read any good books lately? i have been so busy with work that there's been no time for fun reading. i'm looking for some good suggestions.

?

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