some random thoughts about random things
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
i picked up some zum laundry detergent in frankincense & myrrh scent the other day, and wow, I can't get over how good my clothes smell all the time! the only problem is when I want to wear a perfume or lotion that doesn't layer well with the scent of my clothing.

i received my most recent bpal order. i can't afford to buy many of their perfume oils, but i splurged and purchased black heart and black death. neither of them does much for me on their own, but the moment i layer the two together... wow. i can't stop sniffing my arms when they're layered. first they smell like a husky incensey pomegranate and then the honey note dominates and then the verbena note dominates. i can't get over how these perfume oils morph and change.

i still haven't told jilly that i'm moving away this year. i need to figure out a plan first, i think, so i can tell her when my move-out date is. i'm thinking june or july. maybe august or september. i just don't know yet. i've made the decision, but i'm still processing the ways it will change my life.

i am sorry if i haven't been commenting much on your posts or if i'm not responding enough to your comments on mine. i'm still getting used to the whole idea of making friends on the internet. it's not something i've really done before, and i'm still learning. i like it, but i forget to log in to live journal most of the time.

i made the most amazing dinner tonight -- grilled brussel sprouts sauteed in olive oil with figs and topped with shaved parmesan and fakin' bacon. it was a truly amazing meal. brussel sprouts really are delicious when they're cooked right. it's a shame that most people have no idea how to cook a good brussel sprout!

2010
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
this is going to be a good year. i was focused so much on getting through the holidays that i didn't do any thinking, anticipating, or resolution making until after the beginning of the year.

it started out rough as i was preparing for dave's death and then it occurred to me one night as i was looking at the sky and thinking about him, that it's been years since he died and the fact is, he was one fucked up guy. i will never be glad he died. never, ever! but if he would have lived and we'd have been married, my life would have been awful. his death, while tragic, forced me into a life that i would have never decided for myself, a life without dave, which is a much healthier and happier life. he was so charming and intelligent and funny and he was so amazing in so many ways, but his life was riddled with emotional dysfunction and addiction. loving him was so hard and yet i couldn't disconnect myself from him because of that intense connection we had and in the years since his death i have still been unable to emotionally disconnect myself from his memory. i'm realizing now how totally and completely stupid this is and i'm making a change.

i moved here after dave and his brother's deaths to live near their parents and to help care for them in their distress. they had no one left. i had the flexibility to move and be with them, so i did. and now they've left, and i'm here in this place i have no connection to and that i do not particularly enjoy. i have decided that this is the year i am going to move back home and live the life i was meant to live. i have a good, quiet life here, but i do not feel connected to this place, and in order to truly feel at home and settled, i need to feel connected to where i live. i've lived in a few places and it's time to go back to my roots now. so in 2010, my primary resolution for this year is to move my life 600 miles south of here and go back home.

i also did something drastic that to me was symbolic of putting that part of my life behind me and moving forward. i shaved my head. i grew the dreds because dave liked them. then i kept them because dave had liked them. really, i hated them. i liked how easy it was to care for my hair, but i hated the way they looked on me. anyway, it doesn't matter. i have the world's shortest hair now and i love it. i really do feel free from my past. i honestly don't think i'll ever wallow in sorrow over the loss of dave anymore. i'm finally, after all this time, moving on and moving forward and making my life my own. it's going to be my life. not the life of dead dave's old widow. (widow isn't technically accurate since we hadn't married yet, but you know what i mean.)

i have had a good run up here and life has been good. i love my roommate to death and will miss her dreadfully. she is such a good friend and it's hard to imagine not living with her anymore. but i'm looking forward to living on my own. at least i hope i can get a place of my own when i move back home. i don't want to find a roommate only to have it not work out and be in a bad living situation. i was so lucky with jilly, but this time, i need to go out on my own. i haven't told jilly yet. she'll be supportive of me, but i know it will cause her some stress because we have such a comfortable roommate situation and she can't afford to keep this house without a roommate. i feel bad about the stress it'll cause her, but i have to live my life and can't stay here just so jilly can have a good life.

so that's what i'm working on right now. it's scary and exciting and liberating and kind of freaky, but it's good. it's all good. life is good.

update
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
i feel bad because i have so many new lj friends and all of you seem like wonderful people, yet i haven't been posting to or reading lj and i feel like you must think i care nothing about developing friendships, but that's not true. i do want to get to know all of you. the problem is i've not only been traveling, but when i've been at home, i've been living pretty deep inside of my head and haven't been able to pull myself out of this phase of introversion.

The anniversary of dave's death is coming up, and it's got me thinking long and hard about my life before dave, life with dave, and life these years after dave. i will write more about it soon, but not tonight since this is a night that anyone who is online doesn't want to read about sadness. tonight is a night to celebrate the ending of what was hopefully a wonderful year for all of you and the start of what will hopefully be the best year yet in all of our lives.

happy new year to all of you. i look forward to cultivating our friendships in 2010.

this is for butliz
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
lizwontcry, i know you are obsessed with g'n'r and axl, and i hope you have a sense of humor about them, too, because i giggled forever after reading b's illustrated guide to november rain and i thought you might, too.

this morning
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
first real day of my week-long vacation. i am almost finished with the paper i was working on this weekend. i'm not quite there, but i've set it aside and am not going to work on it at all until my vacation is over. i'll probably mull it over in my head, but that's as far as i'll let myself get.

my roommate doesn't understand how i can let my dog sleep in my bed with me. he gets the bedspread hairy and dirty, especially if he decides to "clean" his face by rubbing it all over the blankets. she would understand if she woke up with chester this morning. he was stretched out in the bed, pushed right up next to me, and i could feel his soft, warm dog breath on my shoulder. the whole bed was so warm and cozy from him being there. it's nice not to sleep alone. although if someone should ever share my bed with me again, i'm not sure how it's going to work out considering chester is now in the habit of having me solely to himself in bed!

since i'm on vacation, i'm going to do something frivolous every day that i don't normally have time for. today, i'm going to remove the nail polish i put on my toes last july (gross, i know) and get a pedicure with a new, bright shade of polish. i may add some sparkles just because it's not something i'd typically do. i'm too demure and need to pull myself out of my comfort zone. it may seem to some that sparkly toenails is hardly going overboard in the world of self-expression, but for me, it's a tiny step in the right direction.

hi
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
posting twice in one day -- that's a new record for me. but i just made new friends! so i wanted to drop by and just say hi and let you know how happy i am to meet you. it does kind of change things knowing other people will actually be reading what i write...or at least could be reading what i write!

i have to keep this short as i'm working on a project this weekend and need to get back to it. i have to focus. i'd much rather be playing.

starting over
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
i have started this new journal using a new name created after my conversation i wrote about the other day. i have moved my posts over from the old one and starting over. it feels good.it feels truer, more like the new "real" me in this strange new reality i'm facing every day.

i have no idea what's next. maybe i just need to buy some new bouldering shoes and go climb a damn rock.

over
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
i am back from slc. the trip is over. i was sick the entire time. i want to cry thinking about it. it was not what ian and jo had hoped for and it was not the fun time with old friends that i needed. i lay in their guest bedroom and on their sofa the whole entire weekend, feeling just awful while they brought me tea and soup and ran to the store to buy theraflu for me. i feel like i let them down. they spent money to bring me out there, and i was so sick the whole time. we tried going out for dinner one night, but as we waited for our table, i really thought i was going to pass out, so we went home and they ate leftover pasta while I lay on the sofa and watched reruns of seinfeld. what an awful show.

this life revisited
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
a few months ago, i write a brief entry called "this life". something that happened that turned my world upside down, something i wasn't expecting, something that changed everything.

i'm still not ready to talk about it, but i'm kind of amazed at how i'm adjusting to this "new normal."

it's the type of situation where i initially thought i would have to take some immediate action that would change everything, but i've done nothing at all, and it just is what it is. it hasn't changed as much as i thought it would. it could, but it hasn't. not so far.

it makes me miss dave. this thing that happened could never negate what dave and i had together, but it messes with my mind and makes me wonder if i would have ever even known dave if things would have gone a little differently in the past.

i should know better than to second guess the past. my professional life is spent digging through and understanding the past. if i have learned anything it is that the past never changes. our understanding of it may change, but the facts of what happened never can or will change. (unless time travel happens, and then who knows? -- oh, that was such a dave thing to say!)

i am feeling the need to change my journal based on this situation. it has caused me to spend so much time lately wondering about the various events that have happened in my life and wondering how real all of them are. i called my sister the other day and we were talking about these odd strip-mall towns that seem to be popping up on the edge of suburbia throughout the country, and she referred to it as "fabricated reality." it made me think that this life i'm living now, this life i've created, as much as i enjoy it, perhaps it's not the real thing that was supposed to happen. perhaps it is some sort of fabricated life, a synthetic reality.

maybe time will tell. maybe some archaeologist will dig up my bones someday and learn more about me than i know about my own self.

i leave for utah tomorrow. i need to shake off this somberness and put on my party hat and get ready for a weekend of good fun with old friends.

utah and more
white people can do dreds
synthetiklife
i have decided to leave chester home with jilly after all. i worry about the stress of putting a big guy like him on a plane versus the stress of leaving him at home without me. dogs need their routine. i think it will be better for him.

as i lay in bed last night, i felt a tremor. i would have sworn it was a small earthquake, but it could have been a truck rumbling over the road too far away to hear it but close enough to feel it. it made my heart pound and i could not get back to sleep, so i've been very tired today.

i'm still not sure about the live journal thing. it's nice to have a place to put down thoughts, but i got the impression it was a place to find friends and community. so far, this hasn't happened. perhaps it's because i can't spend time on it every day. perhaps its because i need to be more proactive.

?

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