- January 16th, 2010
this is going to be a good year. i was focused so much on getting through the holidays that i didn't do any thinking, anticipating, or resolution making until after the beginning of the year.
it started out rough as i was preparing for dave's death and then it occurred to me one night as i was looking at the sky and thinking about him, that it's been years since he died and the fact is, he was one fucked up guy. i will never be glad he died. never, ever! but if he would have lived and we'd have been married, my life would have been awful. his death, while tragic, forced me into a life that i would have never decided for myself, a life without dave, which is a much healthier and happier life. he was so charming and intelligent and funny and he was so amazing in so many ways, but his life was riddled with emotional dysfunction and addiction. loving him was so hard and yet i couldn't disconnect myself from him because of that intense connection we had and in the years since his death i have still been unable to emotionally disconnect myself from his memory. i'm realizing now how totally and completely stupid this is and i'm making a change.
i moved here after dave and his brother's deaths to live near their parents and to help care for them in their distress. they had no one left. i had the flexibility to move and be with them, so i did. and now they've left, and i'm here in this place i have no connection to and that i do not particularly enjoy. i have decided that this is the year i am going to move back home and live the life i was meant to live. i have a good, quiet life here, but i do not feel connected to this place, and in order to truly feel at home and settled, i need to feel connected to where i live. i've lived in a few places and it's time to go back to my roots now. so in 2010, my primary resolution for this year is to move my life 600 miles south of here and go back home.
i also did something drastic that to me was symbolic of putting that part of my life behind me and moving forward. i shaved my head. i grew the dreds because dave liked them. then i kept them because dave had liked them. really, i hated them. i liked how easy it was to care for my hair, but i hated the way they looked on me. anyway, it doesn't matter. i have the world's shortest hair now and i love it. i really do feel free from my past. i honestly don't think i'll ever wallow in sorrow over the loss of dave anymore. i'm finally, after all this time, moving on and moving forward and making my life my own. it's going to be my life. not the life of dead dave's old widow. (widow isn't technically accurate since we hadn't married yet, but you know what i mean.)
i have had a good run up here and life has been good. i love my roommate to death and will miss her dreadfully. she is such a good friend and it's hard to imagine not living with her anymore. but i'm looking forward to living on my own. at least i hope i can get a place of my own when i move back home. i don't want to find a roommate only to have it not work out and be in a bad living situation. i was so lucky with jilly, but this time, i need to go out on my own. i haven't told jilly yet. she'll be supportive of me, but i know it will cause her some stress because we have such a comfortable roommate situation and she can't afford to keep this house without a roommate. i feel bad about the stress it'll cause her, but i have to live my life and can't stay here just so jilly can have a good life.
so that's what i'm working on right now. it's scary and exciting and liberating and kind of freaky, but it's good. it's all good. life is good.